Monday, February 14, 2005

1

I looked out the window of the bus, sighing, watching the leaves fall from the trees. I loved autumn. The smell of the leaves beneath my feet, the sound of the crunch. The slight crispness to the air in the morning when I was waiting for the bus. I hated the bus. I never had liked it. I felt like everyone was staring at me. And I always felt like any second something would whizz past and hit me in the head. Lately the kids had stopped with spit-wads (one kid had choked on one, but he was fine now... I had laughed hysterically inside), and had traded their straws and wet chunks of paper for batteries. AA was their preference... though the occasional AAA was tossed about when they ran out. THUD!

I ducked and a battery rolled on the floor in front of me. Anger leaked through me, but I swallowed it down and ducked down further into my seat. I was curled up next to the window, my backpack covering most of my side, a hand ready to stop projectiles. I turned the page of Second Helpings, and sighed.

I wish I had a boy to be mad at. How come everyone can find a boyfriend but me? Am I that unappealing, stupid, and ugly? My normal inner monologue, that sneaky little pessimistic voice that undermined what little self-esteem i could gather, popped up.

?

Have you ever looked at a pair of scissors and imagined slicing your wrists open, watching in silence the blood flowing in a babbling brook stream down your hands, dripping off your finger tips, little dots of red. Did you know that blood isn't red until it hits the air?